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between a roux and a bechamel

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Looking at the world from the bottom of a well

*What follows is not the usual subject matter of this blog, so feel free to skip this potentially over-personal memo about my currently fragile state of mind.

I've been a little... off lately. In addition to a deepening funk based (I think) on the fact that nothing has changed in my life in a long time and I feel the need to shake something up, I think all the losses from last year are starting to catch up with me. Grief is a long process, and apparently my mental breakdown is scheduled for 6 to 8 months after people die. Especially with what happened to Jayne, I keep finding myself being more and more suspicious of people and paranoid. I'm preoccupied with violence and don't feel safe. For the past month or two, I tense up and freak out a little when I'm in an elevator or a stairwell with a man I don't know. This is not normal for me. Confidence and a sense of security -- these are things I have always had in spades. And some days, like today, I am just flat out depressed. I've spent most of the day sleeping or laying down. I just read the words "dead body" in a novel and burst into heaving, blubbering tears. I am hitting "ignore" instead of picking up the calls of my closest friends. I don't feel like doing anything -- not cooking or going for a walk or shopping or cleaning or reading or watching tv or having a beer or any of the things that usually clear my head -- and I don't like it one bit. (I thought, maybe writing it out would help. It has, a bit.) In fact, the only thing I have any desire to do right now is sort of inexplicable. All that sounds worthwhile to me at this very moment is going swimming.

Now, where the fuck can I do that?

I just remembered that I will be in Costa Rica this time next week, so presumably the answer is, Costa Rica. So, that's amazing. But I'm thinking this need to dunk my head in cold water is sort of immediate for some reason. Off to see if running water from the tap will suffice.

We will now continue with the regularly scheduled blogging about bands and cheese and what television shows I'm obsessed with at the moment*. Thank you for allowing this short deviation.

*I haven't written about it yet, but that would be Doctor Who and Torchwood.


Blogger Lauren H said...

many hugs and many kisses

8:52 AM  
Blogger Jenna said...

Hey lady, I completely agree that grief is a long process that needs care and time. Remember, if you ever just feel like doing nothing, DO NOTHING AND LET YOURSELF DO NOTHING! Its hard for a social bird like you to imagine that that is good for you, but sometimes being alone with your thoughts and sorting them out is better than trying to distract yourself with any activities. Maybe you really needed it, even if it hurts.

9:40 AM  

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