Chuck Norris

Rather than forwarding this email to a random smattering of you, I'll just share it here. Here's a smattering of Chuck Norris jokes, courtesy of my roomate, Big White Mike. Before reading this, I hadn't really pondered the hilarity of Chuck Norris. I can tell you now though - it's big. Also, I've found that reading these in the voice of Ron Burgundy elevates their hilarity.

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2.Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

3.Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

4. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

5. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

6. The original theme song to The Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris -- more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris -- robots in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

7. Chuck Norris as the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard." Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favortism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse-kick-related deaths.

8. Chuck Norris' girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck chuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. Then he shoulded, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

9. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger by yelling, "Bang!"

10. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 differend kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong!

11. When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one Thanskgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

12. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

13. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying, "booya."

14. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

15. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

16. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

17.Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity," then you are dead wrong.

18. In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

19. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

20. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

21. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever thatshows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

22. Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

23. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

24. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentary, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

25. Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 Asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

26. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

27. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face."

28. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.

29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may only be seconds away from death.