It's Beardface'!

Sometimes, I find myself wondering what it would be like to experience things that I never will -- external genitalia, flight, not knowing who Britney Spears is. Lately I've been wondering, what would it be like to have a beard? I asked a handful of my hairy friends who happened to be on gchat as these thoughts occurred to me, and here are a selection of their responses.

"Man. Food sure does get caught in my beard."

"It does keep your face warm—really, that's no joke. Sometimes you can feel hairs get tangled and pull your face in weird directions. It is quite itchy for a few days as its' starting to develop. As long as mine is, it sometimes snags on stuff. You never spill anything on your shirt—ever. That part is awesome. Because it all catches in the beard.It has to be long, or the eating has to be quite sloppy indeed, for this to be true. Yep, built-in face bib."

"it's like taking my pet gerbil with me where-ever i go"

"it feels like the end of a thousand of those plastic pieces that attach price tags to clothing"

"pros: i look older, people think you're tougher
cons: i still have to shave everywhere else, i have to act tougher"

"it is annoying, gross, i don't like it, it itches, starts to hurt after a while, yet everyone seems to want me to have one. just the thought of hair coming out of my face makes me cringe. that's disgusting!"

"Well, when you first get one, it's really itchy. But that goes away. After that, it's pretty fun. I end up stroking it quite a bit. It's fun to look different than normal, also. Downsides-kissing. I would never have one in the summer -- too warm, sweaty, etc. And when I've occasionally shaved it off in the winter, I notice that my face is considerably colder. I mainly like it because it's neat to be able to alter one's face so much, temporarily. Also, because I look like a lumberjack. And, you only have to shave your neck and trim the beard, no entire face shaving. So that's nice, saves time. Clearly I've given this a lot of thought."

"It's warm. I've had one every winter since, um, 94? I think. Plus, w/o it, I look 23. or 17. And think of all the great bearded brothers. Santa, Jesus, Che, Malcolm, Milard Fillmore."

"Its mostly unnoticeable, except for your neck and any time you turn your head it sometime catches on your clothes like velcro. It makes me look older, probably most others too. You know how if your bangs or hair fall into your face you can kind of blow them off by puffing air upwards out of your mouth? You can't do that with a bear or mustache. You take it for granted. Even a weeks growth means having to use your hands to get anything of your face. Not having to shave is a huge draw. But its really like a girl having a really short haircut. Its so easy and cuts 5-10 minutes of your morning. Its also great for conversation, and keeping crumbs for later. One thing most of the bearded gents you know dont have to worry about it dealing with sweat though. But a beard is like a sponge for face sweat. You go to the gym or running and the first 20 minutes you dont notice anything. But suddenly, you touch your face and its like a faucet turning on. Its unpleasant to kiss for at least 3 weeks. But then its get soft. I've only kissed one dude with facial hair and it was too soon."

And now I know. Can you guess who said what?