blogs t r e t c h: 07/01/2005

Beth, Pubah 4 Eva

The following is an email Beth sent to me after returning from bars in Ann Arbor (where she's visiting Pax for the weekend). This was too good not to share. Beth, please forgive me. I'm rather impressed by the lack of typos. Enjoy.

dearest fish (amanda)

wee are drunk off our asses

i heart kingfish fiasco... and your backwards email....

also i found out today that cat''s bunyons hurt

AND

that i am mvoin to hburg on august 22nd....

cat wants me to feel her bunyons:

"feel this right here....right here feel it"...

"it's so disgusting....just feel it..i'm fuckin serious.."

this is the shit i ha ve to put up with in ann arbor

also the big bugs...and running into the back of pax's accord after s hopping...

i can hardly see the screeen right now because iam laughing so hard there are tears... also pax just fell on the ground onto my feet and she is jeheheheehahhawhw ing... yes that is the sound she made. i heart you and ashford Ithat is her bunny... funny.... bunny... funny... bunny) i have a smiley sun on my right hand and that means it's time for bed... cuz it's bigger than my left hand... but not bigger tahn my (EDITED FOR EXPLICIT CONTENT)....

good nigth joshepy.... imean shannon... i mean laaaand

michigan forEVA
i love guns,
BETH... i mean joseph LAAND

What's in a name?

I had a really hard time choosing between "links t r e t c h" (following my standard naming format) and "madl i n k s" (yet another screen name spin off). So, assign whichever you like better to this post, and happy clicking.

I'm Hermione Black. What's your Wizard Name? My name confuses me quite a bit, cause Serius Black is dead, so Hermione can't marry him to get his last name....
If I were an evil ruler....
And other goodness from findcliches.com
If you haven't heeded one of my 18 other suggestions today...
Boy On A Stick & Slither: Always amusing
Apparently, madame waifett e has finally dumped my crackheaded photo twin
Thanks to Trent for this disturbing shot of an L.Lohan/P.Anderson lip lock
Thanks to Fark for bringin the science of the feline pallet, though the late great Corky's affinity for freshly baked chocolate chip cookies seems to disagree
I LOVE Slate's Ad Report Card. Here's why.
Ahhh, fun with translation
Thanks to Overheard In New York for these gems: 1 2 3 4 5
Also always funny, bash.org

And because he's hilarious:

Noboa99: the presbyterian chrurch bit got me
mads t r e t c h: i didn't make it that far down before closing the window
mads t r e t c h: so ADD
Noboa99: File 607 Error - Blonde joke not found

Amanda Mattos, DCist Contributor

It's official, I'm a published DCist contributor. Keep reading DCist for more Mattos presence, and general awesomeness in regards to DC and all of its goings ons.

________________________________________________________________

And may the words of my main (rock critic) man, Chuck Klosterman, ring true as I cast out on this endeavor:

To me the goal about writing about music is to be as entertaining as the music itself… There's no way to quantifiably say that this band is good, or this band is bad. This isn't science or math. This is listening to music and deciding whether it's cool or uncool.

Farewell, Rat

Vienna's very own Derik Bratrud is moving on to greener pastures. Well, he's moving on to San Diego, where everything's greener, there's an ocean, beaches, and lots of other great stuff. We'll certainly miss him here on the east coast, but I wish you the best of luck out there. One of my tride and true IM buddies, the work days will go much slower withouts you here (at it least until 3 hours into the work day). You put it best:

lilrat99: we'll always have "piss in the salsa"

My statcounter will miss all the afsb hits. Keep on readin out there kid. Take care of you.

Eli The Barrow Boy

Is stuck in myyyyyyyyy head. Give it a listen. That's quality stuff right there. One of the many reasons I'm 100% stoked about October 11, 2005, for it is then that I will see the Decemberists play at 930 club and RTFO.

Speaking of rocking and whatnot, I have news. Your own neighborhood blogstretch will soon be spreading her bloggy wings over to another eVenue. I'm going to start writing some music articles for dcist. As I already spend a gigantic chunk of time going to concerts, reviewing them here, and musing about music in general, it's a natural next step. No, this is not a new job or anything like that. I'm still your friendly neighborhood ad woman. This is just in addition to my current persuits. I'm excited/nervous/scared/pumped.

Speaking of pumps....

On my way to a meeting about said position last night, a friendly neighborhood nail found its way into my tire. Thanks to the help of Jenna, Mark, Jon and two kindly samaritans, the whole incident only left me about 5% flustered. I made it to the meeting (late - which was largely the source of the fluster, as we all know how I feel about timeliness...), got the spare in place, found a legal parking spot, had a lovely evening with my tire fixing crew, finally at at Ben's Chilli Bowl, and made it home in time to catch Fareed Zakaria (my fav guest) on TDS (pretty much the best show ever, even though the new set is bizarre), play with Stinker (who is getting SO big, and SO crazy, but still SO cute), read some HP (I've barely begun it, so please don't try to discuss it with me yet), and go to sleep! So, all in all, a good day. On the Ike scale, I'd give it a 7.

Speaking of Ike, and his ever growing Drewtionary (many of which were spawned from conversations with yours truly, such as glooby, and offunsive), an email from Alan has brought another one to the helm. Well, I'm not sure it'll truly enter the vernacular, but it was still fun to read first thing this morning:

"This email is weird! I AM WEIRD! AND YOU ARE COOL! TOGETHER WE ARE WOOL!"

And all this time I'd fancied myself a cotton girl, who knew?

would i could afford to buy my love a new gown......

That was a test, to see if you actually listend to that Decemberists song. And to continue with the current textile theme. Did ya listen? Huh? Did ya?

This and more probing questions on the next episode of: Amanda and the Blogosphere!

But, before I depart, some links I've been wanting to share with you, mon petit readers:

Gallery of the Absurd: The name says it all
Everybody's eviler with a goatee
Pink is the New Blog is still my favorite, but this is pretty good too
An eLink to Catherine, my human link to dcist
This guy starts everyday by making a 1 minute long movie
Speaking of photography within photography and then....
Why oh why would anyone respond to this guy's request when he so clearly dislikes women so much?
So fun, because madstretch is one hip, hip lady

That's all folks, happy Friday. Kaiser Chiefs show tonight, if all that I read is right, it'll rock.

You Think You Know, But You Have No Idea

All a flutter for I'm about to go ~~sip on some sizurp~~ rub elbows with Barack Obama, I wanted to assure you all that a hearty vacation wrap up, kitten status report, and general bloggy goodness update are on their way as soon as I have time to exhale. This Girl's Life is loco, so forgive, forget, and here's a taste of the photo essay-y (SAE?) goodness in your near future:

I know, I know

I'm back from vacation, tan and rested (well, at least tan). Many much things to post on, and I promise I'll make good on them. But until then: Sara Gillies spotted Jon Stewart at her local bagel place this weekead, wearing a mets hat.

Central Grounds Dammage

Thanks to Allison (Vick) Spillman for this news. A huge storm in Charlottesville this week caused major damage in UVA's Central Grounds. Click the link above for the story. Here are some pics. No buildings were dammaged, but several trees were downed.

I'm signing off for a few days as I'm heading to Stone Harbor tonight!! Try to survive without me. You won't be able to tell, cause you can't actually see me as I write this stuff, but I'll have far darker skin and far fairer hair upon returning. Just picture it. Tans t r e t c h.

ONE LAST NOTE: A HUGE congratulations to Miss Beth Anne Tommasone who passed her thesis deffense and is now officially DONE with grad school. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!

Just Say No

Why oh why don't I ever say, "No potatoes, please" to the cook at the Atrium Cafe' in my office? Whenever I order an omlet, it comes with potatoes. They're not bad or anything, but they're nertno good (no onions or anything cooked with them, they've got a weird grill flavor, I'm not a fan). But if they're on my plate, I can't help eating them. I do not want the potatoes. The toast is plenty. Yet I cannot bring myself to ask for no potatoes. What's the deal?

Vienna Rules

Money Magazine has declared Vienna, Virginia the 4th best place to live in the US! The criteria: somewhere you'd want to raise your children. Yeah, I'll agree with that. We may be spoiled (reference Jill Torok for her opinions on being raised in Vienna), we may all find trouble to get into, but on the whole, it's a pretty sweet place to have grown up, in my humble opinion.

Side note: My mom was supposed to be interviewed for this article, but they went with the Namdarrrrrrrrrrs instead. My theory: they discriminated against a divorce'. Damn the man! Save the empire! Anyhow, rock on, Vienna-ites.

How arrrrrrrrrr you?

My life pretty much rules. I've had yet another great weekend, highlighted in particular by two things:

1) The arrival of Tinker & Stinker

Mom and I have finally decided we're ready to move on after the passing of our beloved Corky. We got two kittens, brothers from the same litter, at the pound on Thursday. I can not express how in love with them we both are. Tinker is mom's, he's smaller with more orange in his fur. He's jumpier, but more willing to sit in your lap. Stinker is mine, bigger and more grey, with the prettiest face (other than Corky of course, who as we all know had the world's most absurdly beautiful kitty face). Stinker is very curious and clever; he's lovier than Tinker (so far at least), but still won't sleep actually on my stomach/lap. They both lick my fingers and nose to show affection, which is frickin adorable. Tinker gets too excited when he's doing it though, and bites a little. Anyhow, kittens rule. They're quite the explorers, so their middle names are Louis and Clark (thanks Joey). I'm sure 99% of you reading this do not give a crap about my new kittens' personalities, so I'll move on to the second weekend highlight.

2) Pirate Jokes

For some reason, this came to be the theme of going out both nights this weekend. It started with Sam, Joey and I, and extended to Liz, Steve and Derik on Saturday. I'm gonna try to remember most of them, but if you remember any others or simply have any others, please add on. Also, I'm making up a bunch of these as I compile them, so don't get your feathers ruffled if you don't remember hearing these ones Liz, some are brand new! :) And, I've edited some of them to make their original intentions be better....jokes (e.g., the Ark joke).

What's a pirate's disease?
Sarrrrrrrrs

What does a pirate write with?
A maarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrker

What's a pirate's favorite planet?
Marrrrrrrrrrrrrrs

Who's a pirate's favorite person Derik has hooked up with?
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrtemis

What's a pirate's favorite biblical story?
Noah and the Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk

What happens on a pirate's birthday?
A parrrrrrrrrrrrty

If somebody asked a bunch of them, hey, are you guys pirates? They'd say,
Yes we arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

What does the pirate have under his eye patch?
A scarrrrrrrrrrrrr

What does a pirate use for navigation?
The starrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs

¿Qué es una cosa favorita de pirata de hacer?
Bailarrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Where does a pirate like to drink?
At the barrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

What's a pirate's favorite thing to smoke?
A cigarrrrrrrrrrrr

What's a pirate's favorite country?
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrmenia
(Or, The United Arrrrrrrrrrrab Emerates)

Who's a pirate's favorite Disney character?
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriel

What's a pirate's favorite fast food place?
Arrrrrrrrrrby's

What's a pirate's favorite state?
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrkansas

Who's a pirate's favorite action hero?
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnold

What's a pirate's favorite type of ruler?
A czarrrrrrrrrrrrr

What's a pirate's favorite way to fight?
To sparrrrrrrrrrr

What's a pirate's favorite thing to fix his ship with?
Tarrrrrrrrrrrrrr

What did the pirate have at his wedding?
A cash barrrrrrrrrrrr

What's up with the way pirates talk?
It's bizarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre

What's a pirate's favorite instrument?
A guitarrrrrrrrrrr

What's a pirate's favorite band?
The Goo Goo Dolls

What's a pirate's favorite way to say goodbye?
Aurevoirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Where did the pirate's father work?
On a farrrrrrrrrrrrrm

Where did the pirate work as a teenager?
The pool's snack barrrrrrrrrrr

What was the pirate in high school?
A track starrrrrrrrrrr

Where did the pirate steal from?
The cookie jarrrrrrrrrrrr

What's a pirate's favorite snack?
Granola barrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs

What's a pirate's favorite form of currency?
Kuwaiti Dinarrrrrrrrrrr

Where's a pirate's favorite place to hang out on a train?
The dining carrrrrrrrrrrrrr

When the pirate lost his leg, where did he go?
The E.Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

What's a pirate's favorite SUV?
A Blazerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Who's a pirate's favorite Redskin?
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt Monk

Who's a pirate's favorite basketball player?
Charrrrrrrrrrrrles Barkley

What's a pirate's favorite movie?
Charrrrrrrrrrrrrley and the Chocolate Factory
(Or Farrrrrrrrrrrr & Away)

What does a pirate wear when he's cold?
A scarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrf

Who does a pirate hope will die soon?
Parrrrrrrrrrrrrrris Hilton

Who's a pirate's favorite lead singer?
Chris Marrrrrrrrrrrtin

Where does a pirate plant flowers?
In the garrrrrrrrrrrrrrrden

Who is a pirate's favorite person at this table?
Derrrrrrrrrrrrrik

What happens when a pirate eats beans?
He farrrrrrrrrrrrrts

Who's a pirate's favorite dictator?
Hitlerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Where does a pirate keep his hay?
In a barrrrrrrrrrrrrrrn

Yeah, about 80% of those I just came up with right now. Help me remember more from the other night! Or, add more in!

Also: Today is probably gonna rule, cause we're going here to see this. Should be faaaantastic. According to Sam, Lauren Hoy says it's "Fucking Awesome."

America! F*** Yeah!

The fourth of July. One of my very favorite holidays. Even though I despise the state of our nation at the moment, I'm still a general America-lover, particularly regarding this holiday. It's replete with the happiest of my childhood memories (being at Stone Harbor, popsicles, sandcastles, boat parades, firetrucks, cousins, watermelon, corn on the cob, glow sticks......I could go on and on). It still feels weird not being here on the 4th, but I've managed to have a good time the past few years of separation. And, I'll be there next week with my girls, so don't shed any tears for me.

This year was no exception to my rein of fantastic Independance Days. It was the culmination of a wonderful long weekend that I just don't have the energy to recap completely, but included Jenna & Liz's rock em sock em party (complete with keg stands), Bobby & Steven & Rob's kriller crab feast (complete with Kings), brunch at the page, Stacy's BBQ (complete with flip cup), and seeing Tyler's new band play, and last but not least getting to catch up with JDub, Natasha, Jimbo, and many more.

But moving on to the actual fourth. Mr. Helbing was gracious enough to invite Stacy and several of her friends (myself included) out on the Tom Foolery for a day in the sun and to watch the 'works at night. Here's a little photo essay that pretty much captures the fun! Full pic fun can be viewed here and here.

My name for the day was America. Here's why:

What, not everyone wears red, white, blue and a cowboy hat, striking poses around the nations' capitol? America! F**k yeah!

I made about 80 jello shots - red and blue - 4 flavors - of course: